MY OSCAR ACCEPTANCE SPEECH

Thank You Keanu!
Photo of Keanu Reeves by Caroline Bonarde Ucci

First of all, I would like to thank my speech writing teacher for helping me to prepare for this auspicious occasion by putting a heavy emphasis on Chapter 8 (Writing For A Special Occasion) of our textbook, Building A Speech.

I WRITE THEREFORE I AM OR AM NOT AN IDIOT

I believe the old adage, I think, therefore I am, should be replaced with, I write, therefore I am. The act of thinking merely proves that you can think, not that you do think.

Trust me, I'm a genius.

The act of writing leaves nothing to the imagination.  It is tantamount to facing one's own intelligence, or lack of it, as the case may be, head on.

Consider Einstein's Theory of Relativity.  Once he transcribed that he was hailed as a genius because we had a tangible means of proving it.  

He took a risk and wrote down E=MC2.  But it might have gone the other way.  What if instead of writing E=MC2 he wrote E=MC Hammer?  

Then we would all have the right to say, "Hey Einstein! You're an idiot and we can prove it."

Mind you he might have carved out a nice niche for himself as the first white rapper - I guess it's all relative.

Just remember, until you have written something down nobody can say for sure whether you're an idiot or not. They may highly suspect that you are but without that piece of paper what proof do they have?

I write, therefore I am. Now there's an adage to think about.

Recommended Reading: A Brief History Of Time by Stephen Hawking

Recommended Viewing: Arrested Development (Seasons 1 & 2)

Recommended Listening: Car Wash Blues by Jim Croce

HOW I SURVIVED THE MANNVILLE TOWN YARD SALE

When I told my friends and family back in Ontario that one of my first assignments as a Reporter with the Vermilion Voice was to cover a town-wide yard sale in Mannville, Alberta - they were afraid for me.

HARPER AND ME AND THE MAN IN THE MIRROR

Before I settled on my present occupation, I toyed with the idea of entering the non-traditional workforce.  I signed up for a course at a trades centre for women.  I quickly began to realize that my definition of non-traditional varied somewhat from the other participants in the course.