A GOOD OLD FASHIONED IRI$H CHRISTMAS

Wicklow - Christmas Eve - 1995. I took my twin girls to visit Santa at the mall in Dun Laoghaire (pronounced Done Leary). I asked a man named John (pronounced John) where Santa was and he pointed me in the general direction.

I began to look for a sign advertising "Santa's Village" and almost walked straight past the flashing blue neon lights inviting people into "Santa's Grotto."

The Grotto Clause

KITSCH CULTURE

 Kitsch Heaven

There is no doubt that Canadians love collecting. There are yard sales, auctions, antique stores, thrift shops and roadside sellers from one end of the country to the other. Canada is a veritable treasure trove for seasoned and novice collectors.

THE SMARTEST - FASTEST - BESTEST ARCHIE COMIC BOOK PEN PAL...EVER

The following is a letter I transcribed that  my sister received in 1971 from her Archie comic book pen pal.

Vintage card from Jacqueline , my sister's Scottish pen pal

MY OSCAR ACCEPTANCE SPEECH

Thank You Keanu!
Photo of Keanu Reeves by Caroline Bonarde Ucci

First of all, I would like to thank my speech writing teacher for helping me to prepare for this auspicious occasion by putting a heavy emphasis on Chapter 8 (Writing For A Special Occasion) of our textbook, Building A Speech.

I WRITE THEREFORE I AM OR AM NOT AN IDIOT

I believe the old adage, I think, therefore I am, should be replaced with, I write, therefore I am. The act of thinking merely proves that you can think, not that you do think.

Trust me, I'm a genius.

The act of writing leaves nothing to the imagination.  It is tantamount to facing one's own intelligence, or lack of it, as the case may be, head on.

Consider Einstein's Theory of Relativity.  Once he transcribed that he was hailed as a genius because we had a tangible means of proving it.  

He took a risk and wrote down E=MC2.  But it might have gone the other way.  What if instead of writing E=MC2 he wrote E=MC Hammer?  

Then we would all have the right to say, "Hey Einstein! You're an idiot and we can prove it."

Mind you he might have carved out a nice niche for himself as the first white rapper - I guess it's all relative.

Just remember, until you have written something down nobody can say for sure whether you're an idiot or not. They may highly suspect that you are but without that piece of paper what proof do they have?

I write, therefore I am. Now there's an adage to think about.

Recommended Reading: A Brief History Of Time by Stephen Hawking

Recommended Viewing: Arrested Development (Seasons 1 & 2)

Recommended Listening: Car Wash Blues by Jim Croce

HOW I SURVIVED THE MANNVILLE TOWN YARD SALE

When I told my friends and family back in Ontario that one of my first assignments as a Reporter with the Vermilion Voice was to cover a town-wide yard sale in Mannville, Alberta - they were afraid for me.

HARPER AND ME AND THE MAN IN THE MIRROR

Before I settled on my present occupation, I toyed with the idea of entering the non-traditional workforce.  I signed up for a course at a trades centre for women.  I quickly began to realize that my definition of non-traditional varied somewhat from the other participants in the course.

DEAR OPRAH

The following letter to Oprah was in response to a contest she was having called, "Wildest Dreams."

photo by Alan Light

It was inspired by Tina Turner's rise to stardom despite incredible odds. Oprah invited women from all walks of life to describe the obstacles they have overcome in order to achieve their wildest dreams. This is my letter:

NAME INTERRUPTED

For a very short time, I sat and delivered on radio, (CKLU in Sudbury, ON).  I concluded each segment with: "For Sit and Deliver this is Shannon O'Toole." But I dropped the O'Toole, when I dropped the tool. 

Then I considered breaking into the select group of people known only by their first name, in order to close my segments.



People like Cher, Madonna, and Yanni (not a real link, I wouldn't do that to you), came to mind immediately. 

But I thought this could potentially be a problem if I were to ever make it big in Ireland.  An Irishman once asked me how it felt to be named after an airport.  I told him I was handling it much better than my half brother Heathrow O'Hare since he never seemed to know if he was coming or going. Then I thanked Mr. Ass O'Hole for his concern.

Next I considered using initials to complement my first name.  I could borrow the first initial of my ex-husband's last name to become Shannon O.  But that had a familiar ring to it.  Of course!  It had already been done by Jackie. O Jackie! You had everything.  Did you really have to buy a vowel?

Then, I tried to put the O before my name and sign off as O Shannon.  But this too had been done.  First by the writer O Henry, followed by the chocolate bar. (I just figured out why I crave chocolate whenever I read The Gift of the Magi).

I needed a fresh approach to using initials - to go where no one had gone before.  I placed an O in front of my name and an O after my name and signed off as O Shannon O.  But this seemed to have a hypnotic effect on my producer who played my sign-off on a continuous loop until the playback board burst into flames.

Just when I was about to give up on the whole idea it occurred to me to use the last initial of my maiden name, O'Connor.  I would sign off as Shannon O...but this had a familiar ring...

So, I quit radio.



Recommended Listening: MacArthur Park by Richard Harris - (the switchboard really lit up when I played this song during my on-air segment - unfortunately all the callers were demanding it be removed from the airways immediately).

Recommended Reading: The Gift of the Magi by O. Henry

Recommend Viewing: Pirate Radio

HOW MY FATHER BUILT THE SUDBURY ARENA

A lot of hockey fans ask me to tell them the story about how my father built the Sudbury Arena.  I tell them it begins, like most great stories do, in a cornfield in Warren, Ontario.

WELCOME TO THE INAUGURAL POST OF SIT AND DELIVER

Essentially this blog will deliver stand-up material from a sitting position.  You may ask, "Why sit and deliver?"  I would answer,  "Why stand and deliver when the option to sit and deliver is so readily available?"

Frankly, I'm surprised this phenomenon hasn't swept the entire industry. The sit-down humorist enjoys many advantages over the stand-up. One of the most obvious is the comfort factor.  Having led a full and rich life I have had many opportunities to both sit and stand.